[REVIEW] Iris

Title: Iris
Author: cutterpillow
Fanfic URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/feisu/chapter_4.shtml
Reviewer: m_girl07 @ My Sensation

Story Title: 2/5
-I judged this based on both titles but I focused more on the title for your one-shot, which was “Iris”. The title is different and somewhat eye-catching but a bit plain. I also don’t really see how it relates to your one-shot except for the fact that she saw him from a distance which relates to the eyes.

Appearance: 7/10
-When I first clicked on you story, I thought it looked really colourful and just so adorable. That’s when I thought your one-shot was going to be light and comedic. It was light but not the fluffy kind which is fine with me but your graphics say otherwise=p. But I love the picture you put as the poster though!

Forewords: 9/10
-You had a great foreword and told everyone what it was (a collection of your one-shots and short stories) and even outlined all of them and told them who was in each one.

Plot: 12/15
-The plot was developed properly and you started with how they met and progressed it which is good because some one-shots don’t know how to do that properly. But I think it could’ve had more conflict or drama=).

Characterization: 7/10-I think both characters were described nicely because you got a feel of what they were somewhat like. But there wasn’t much to expand on because they were more or so just there; you knew he was hurt and she’s kind but…what else?

Creativity/Originality: 7/10
-Your main idea sounds like a lot of the dramas that are out today=p. A girl and a guy become lovers because of a bet or a contract and end up falling for each other. It did have its own flavour to it which made it more interesting though=).

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 6/10
-You had quite a bit of spelling mistakes; especially when it came to past and present tense but I know a lot of people have trouble with that so I wasn’t too picky on that. But you also used the wrong words when you meant one thing. I’m just going to show you some of them here:
“I raised my left hand, my wrist watch say’s 3:30pm. It’s time of her flight now.” -‘Say’s’ doesn’t need the apostrophe and should be “says it’s”; while the second sentence should be “It’s time for her flight now.”
“I close the book that I’m reading, and get the beer which is place beside me, and started to drink.” -Because the sentence is past tense, you should make sure certain words end in ‘ed’; like “closed” and “placed”.
“I appreciate this park, more every time I go here.” -You don’t need the comma here because it’s all one thought and doesn’t need to be broken.
“He look behind with a confuse look and said…” -“look” and “confused” should end in “ed”.
“He face backwards and started to walk away from me.”
-“face” should end in “ed”; past tense
“I look up; saw the stop light turn to green from red.” -“look” should end in “ed” and “switch the places of “to” and “from”.
“My girlfriend leaves me.” -It should be “My girlfriend left me.” Because when you break up with someone and tell people after, it’s always in the past.
“I’ll be you girlfriend for the next 31 days” My eyes open wide, the 10% alcohol of this vodka, suddenly doesn’t have effect on me. I gulp. Ok since, I dare you, I’ll justify to you that GIRLS always breaks the heart of the BOYS.” -This sentence has too many extra commas and periods. There are also missing words. It should be: “I’ll be your girlfriend for the next 31 days,” my eyes open wide and the 10% of alcohol in my blood doesn’t have an effect on me; I gulp. “Ok, since I dare you, I’ll justify to you that GIRLS always break the hearts of BOYS.”
“This time it became more louder.” -When you’re using words like “louder” or “clearer”, you don’t need to use “more”

Flow: 7/10
-Although the flow was nice and constant, I thought there were some things that happened a bit fast. Like how after they started living together, you didn’t describe how they started to fall for each other, it just…happened.

Writing Style: 12/15
-Your writing style focuses more on dialogue than detail. While some like that better, I think it would be nice if you balanced the two more because it’s hard to get a feel for things and visualize when they aren’t given much.

Overall Enjoyment: 4/5
-I still enjoyed your story because I fell in love with Hana Yori Dango and it’s nice to hear their names again=p. Plus, it was an interesting read.

Total: 73/100

Bonus: 4/5
-I read through the whole thing in “one-shot” (haha) and that would prove something right? And I always admired people who can have collections because it shows their creativity.

Overall Total: 77/100