Title: Just Friends
Author: cutterpillow
Fanfic URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/JF
Reviewer: kawaii_love @mysensationsite.blogspot.com
Story Title[did it catch my attention?] : 3/5
The title was interesting. But lately, I’ve seen this title so much that it’s becoming boring. I give you points for trying this title though.
`Appearance[what was my first impression? Did it catch my attention?] : 8/10
I like your poster a lot. It’s a great piece of work. But I was hoping the background will match the poster a little bit better. Alone, the background is very nice but with the poster it kind of clashes. It’s mainly because the poster seems dreamy and hopeful but the background seems cutesy and happy.
`Forewords[did your forewords make me wanting to read more?] : 6/10
I was really hoping for just a little bit of an excerpt for your story. I mean I already found out most of the plot from your summary. I found out that Nagasawa is going to fall for a guy. What makes it worst was that the readers also already knew that she was going to fall for Yamashita. Maybe that’s what you were hoping for, but I was hoping for a surprise as I read the story.
`Plot[was the plot cliche or was it interesting?] : 10/15
The plot wasn’t very cliché. It was not very interesting though. I haven’t read a story with the idea of your story. In your story, the girl and the boy are friends and everyone sees them as friends. But, I’ve only thought about them as good friends until the part when you gave the dream and the last chapter I read, chapter 10. I didn’t really see any hints that any of the two main characters have any feelings for each other. So that was different.
`Characterization[was I able to learn about the characters?] : 6/10
The only character that I know well would be Nagasawa Masami. I know her feelings and the type of person she is and what she’s scared of. I understand her parents from her view. But, other than Nagasawa, I don’t know anyone else very well. I was hoping to know Yamashita’s feelings and personality more but I didn’t know much. I only knew enough between the exchanges he had with Nagasawa.
`Creativity/Originality[was it creative?] : 7/10
It was creative and original in your way. I haven’t seen anything like this before so it’s a good thing. Creativity is a hard thing to judge you in. Of course it was creative for you to write this fanfic. However, I had a feeling you didn’t quite know what you were talking about or how the story was going. You seemed to be just throwing the next event in right when it jumps into your head. In my perspective, it didn’t seem like you thought about the events and made them creative and made it flow with the rest of the story.
`Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary[was I able to understand what you were trying to say?] : 5.5/10
Here are some mistakes from your first chapter only.
Original sentences that you wrote are after ‘such as’
Sentences that I rewrote for you are after ‘it should be’ and ‘or’
You forget to start some sentences with a capitalized letter.
Such as: “yeah?
It should be: “Yeah?
You put the actions the characters does in the quotation marks. Everything between quotation marks should only be things that were said, thought or quoted.
Such as: “pff! *laughs* I remember something. *blush*”
It should be: “I just remembered something” I laughed and blushed.
You were inconsistent with your tenses
Such as: “I think I froze when he talked to me. And it’s so embarrassing.”
It should be: “I think I froze when he talked to me. It was so embarrassing.”
You use the wrong tense often.
Such as: As you can read, Aoi-chan like Nishikido-san.
It should be: As you can tell, Aoi-chan likes Nishikido-san.
You use the wrong verbs also.
Such as: “Fine, I find him cute too.” I talk back
It should be: “Fine, I find him cute too.” I said to her.
`Flow[was it too fast or too slow to my liking?] : 3/10
There were times that the flow was so fast, I was hoping to read more about something but it didn’t happen. For instance, you jumped from scene to scene. Such as, you would go like okay I have gym now. Then the next sentence I read was okay I’m back from gym. I was hoping that you would say that gym was coming up, then you explain what happened during gym then gym ended. Instead you were like gym is up, then gym ended and now what happened during gym. It was all out of order. Then the plot towards the end was extremely slow. It was so slow that I was starting to get bored. How come one event had to make two chapters when one of the chapters wasn’t even long?
`Writing Style[did your writing style make it easy for me to read?] : 11/15
This was hard for me to grade. I didn’t know what you were writing the story as. At first the story seemed like a regular story book. As in Nagasawa is the narrator and she’s telling the events detail by detail. However as I continue to read it more, the story turns into Nagasawa’s diary. Did you write this as a Nagasawa story or her diary? If it was her diary, then this is what I can give you. It was a good writing style for her diary but at times it got a little bothersome. However, if this was supposed to be a story style, the grade would have been a lot lower because this is not the right writing style to write a story like a typical book that anyone reads.
`Overall Enjoyment[did I enjoy this story?] : 2/5
No offence, but it didn’t give me as much enjoyment as I hoped for while reading a fanfiction.
`Total : 61.5/100
`Bonus : 5/5
For giving an effort and being extremely nice to your readers.
Overall Total: 66.5/100
I am extremely sorry if anything I said earlier offended you in anyway. I just hope you understand that I am a harsh grader and I am very hard to impress. My own writings do not impress me. I just hope my words do not make you quit writing, but instead it makes you want to continue in the future.
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